2-1-12

I love the first day of February. Not because it is the month of pink and red goodies. Not because it means that winter is one month closer to being over. Not because of the Super Bowl which I think is sometimes in January. No, the first day of February is my favorite day because it means the 1-31 is over and I won't have to face it for another year.

1-31 is the day my mom died. I HATE 1-31 with a fiery passion. I get depressed and I cry and it hurts all over again like a fresh wound.

I survived it like I knew I would.

I survived because of texts from the Cousin, Bunny Butt, Scrapbook Girl and the Pastel One.

I survived because of phone calls from the Cousin, Scrapbook Girl and Dinky.

I survived because I have a bestest friend that can call me and will listen to me blubbering and know what to say when I take a breath that will make me laugh.

I survived because I have a husband that loves me unconditionally.

I survived because I have a stinky that loves me.

I survived because I have an aunt and uncle that love me like another daughter.

I survived because I had a mommmakins that loved me more than life itself.

One Year

Mommakins,

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I can't believe that I lost you so fast but really when I think using my head and not my heart the signs were there but I wouldn't let myself see them. You weren't bouncing back after having your stomach drained, you were constantly tired and you didn't even want to go shopping.

I wish with every fiber of my soul that I forced you to go to the ER the week before you died. You said you were feeling better and I believed you. I thank God that the last thing I ever said to you was " I love you" and you said it back. I have never prayed as hard as I did the last day of your life. God answered my prayers but not in the way I wanted but in the end I have to admit that I was praying for you to find peace and not be in pain anymore. I know that you are with Nana and I hope you are playing cards and laughing.

The week of the funeral I took one of your pain pills because I hurt so bad I was in physical pain and I had the worst dream. I woke up crying because you told me that you weren't dead you just didn't want to be my mom anymore. That was the last time that I took a pain pill and it was the last time that I dreamt about you until just recently. In my dreams now you are happy and healthy. You keep telling me to go and that you will always be with me.

It has taken me a year but most days I can think of you and smile and not cry. I think of all of the messes that we got into and the fights and the jokes and lazy days watching old movies (which I hated at the time but damn now I find myself pausing when I come across a John Wayne movie...OYE).

I am going through the old pictures and I smile at how happy you were growing up and getting married and then it was the just the two of us but you still had a sparkle in your eyes. I am trying to get the wedding pictures in some sort of order and I smile remembering the fun we had planning my wedding. You were so eager to be included in the planning but you were so careful to not take over because it was my wedding not yours. You were so beautiful on my wedding day and you just glowed with happiness even though dad was late. I thank God that you heard me say "I do" !

I miss you every day but I think you would be proud of how your little family has handled you not being here with us. The Cousin and I email or text almost everyday. I have leaned on her more than ever this year. I sent the Hero some pictures and we talk a lot more than we did before. The Man and I hang out with Goosey and Uncle Nernie a lot. The Man and I are still going strong,even stronger than before. He is my rock and I love him more everyday. Oatmeally is still my voice of reason.

I miss you everyday but I talk to you in my heart and I know that you go where I go. The last year of your life you started telling me that you loved me "forever and always".

I love you forever and always:-)

Thoughts

I think I am doing well dealing with this grief nonsense. I mean I made all of the calls that I had to do (except her lights, I completely forgot about the lights until I typed that sentence), I have sent out the majority of the thank you cards (except for the special ones, I am having trouble writing some of those to the family) and her stuff is out of the apartment. I am smiling and saying the right thing when the majority of people ask me how I am doing. Only The Man, Cousin and Oatmeally know how I am really doing when I completely let my guard down and I can sob freely. Scrapbook Girl lost her mom so I can share with her but really The Man is the one who knows that I am hanging on by a thread most nights.

I find myself going to work, writing reports and going to a million mandatory meetings that are meaningless. I go on my home visits and I get hugs from my kids which is lovely. I go through the motions of being the Duchess but I don't feel like me. I feel like I am in a bad lif*time movie that is being narrated by a 80's actress. I feel like I am only go through the motions of being me but I am just an outline of me. Does that make any sense?

I guess I just want to be the me that had a mom. I will get used to being this me that doesn't have a mom but that doesn't mean I have to like it!