Monday, March 15, 2010

Thoughts

I think I am doing well dealing with this grief nonsense. I mean I made all of the calls that I had to do (except her lights, I completely forgot about the lights until I typed that sentence), I have sent out the majority of the thank you cards (except for the special ones, I am having trouble writing some of those to the family) and her stuff is out of the apartment. I am smiling and saying the right thing when the majority of people ask me how I am doing. Only The Man, Cousin and Oatmeally know how I am really doing when I completely let my guard down and I can sob freely. Scrapbook Girl lost her mom so I can share with her but really The Man is the one who knows that I am hanging on by a thread most nights.

I find myself going to work, writing reports and going to a million mandatory meetings that are meaningless. I go on my home visits and I get hugs from my kids which is lovely. I go through the motions of being the Duchess but I don't feel like me. I feel like I am in a bad lif*time movie that is being narrated by a 80's actress. I feel like I am only go through the motions of being me but I am just an outline of me. Does that make any sense?

I guess I just want to be the me that had a mom. I will get used to being this me that doesn't have a mom but that doesn't mean I have to like it!

3 comments:

Lamp Tramp said...

You will always feel her loss and you'll carry your grief in your heart for a long time. I know what you mean about going through your day, doing tasks in a mindless way. It's great that you doing these things though, just know that it least you doing and accomplishing.I think this is very important. I'll be praying for you!

Lamp Tramp said...

You will always feel her loss and you'll carry your grief in your heart for a long time. I know what you mean about going through your day, doing tasks in a mindless way. It's great that you doing these things though, just know that it least you doing and accomplishing.I think this is very important. I'll be praying for you!

Gwen said...

Oh sweetie. I'm praying for you. You will always miss her and long for her back. I still do with my Mom. But over time you'll start to feel more like yourself and you'll start to feel her presence with you. Also don't be affraid to let your feelings show. No one will think less of you for it and you will for sure feel better too. XOXO