Showing posts with label Mommakins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mommakins. Show all posts
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Fun wedding memory
Did I ever tell you that I thought I would NEVER get married? Nope not being dramatic I honestly in my heart of hearts thought that I would never get married EVER. I watched my posse getting married and I was so happy for them. I cried at every wedding and being honest 90% of the tears were happy tears but 10% were sad "this will never be me" tears. So yeah when I was blessed with The Man I thought that I had gotten the biggest miracle that the Good Lord was capable of (you know totally disregarding the whole making the world in 7 days, parting random bodies of water, making a virgin pregnant, burning foliage, etc).
I threw myself into the whole wedding planning circus and I never looked back. In my head I knew being married meant that I would be a wife, hopefully a momma at some point, my name would change, a covenant would be set in stone, in short my life would be completely different on 10-7-07. It never occurred to me that I would never live with my mom again. It had always been my mom and me since my parents got divorced when I was 6. Living with mom was all that I knew.
Oatmeally was with me the day before the wedding. Mommakins, Oatmeally and I ran errands (got our nails done, checked into the hotel, etc) all day before the rehearsal dinner. We had stopped by the apartment before the rehearsal to grab the last bits of wedding day stuff and it hit me. That was the last time that I was leaving the apartment as somebody that lived there and that I would never live with mom again. I lost it and my mom just hugged me and I told me that I would always have a place to live with her and I was going on a grand adventure with the man that I loved and she would always be with me. A true "AWWWW" moment.
On days that I miss my mom so badly that it's a physical pain I think back on that day and I smile.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
One Year
Mommakins,
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I can't believe that I lost you so fast but really when I think using my head and not my heart the signs were there but I wouldn't let myself see them. You weren't bouncing back after having your stomach drained, you were constantly tired and you didn't even want to go shopping.
I wish with every fiber of my soul that I forced you to go to the ER the week before you died. You said you were feeling better and I believed you. I thank God that the last thing I ever said to you was " I love you" and you said it back. I have never prayed as hard as I did the last day of your life. God answered my prayers but not in the way I wanted but in the end I have to admit that I was praying for you to find peace and not be in pain anymore. I know that you are with Nana and I hope you are playing cards and laughing.
The week of the funeral I took one of your pain pills because I hurt so bad I was in physical pain and I had the worst dream. I woke up crying because you told me that you weren't dead you just didn't want to be my mom anymore. That was the last time that I took a pain pill and it was the last time that I dreamt about you until just recently. In my dreams now you are happy and healthy. You keep telling me to go and that you will always be with me.
It has taken me a year but most days I can think of you and smile and not cry. I think of all of the messes that we got into and the fights and the jokes and lazy days watching old movies (which I hated at the time but damn now I find myself pausing when I come across a John Wayne movie...OYE).
I am going through the old pictures and I smile at how happy you were growing up and getting married and then it was the just the two of us but you still had a sparkle in your eyes. I am trying to get the wedding pictures in some sort of order and I smile remembering the fun we had planning my wedding. You were so eager to be included in the planning but you were so careful to not take over because it was my wedding not yours. You were so beautiful on my wedding day and you just glowed with happiness even though dad was late. I thank God that you heard me say "I do" !
I miss you every day but I think you would be proud of how your little family has handled you not being here with us. The Cousin and I email or text almost everyday. I have leaned on her more than ever this year. I sent the Hero some pictures and we talk a lot more than we did before. The Man and I hang out with Goosey and Uncle Nernie a lot. The Man and I are still going strong,even stronger than before. He is my rock and I love him more everyday. Oatmeally is still my voice of reason.
I miss you everyday but I talk to you in my heart and I know that you go where I go. The last year of your life you started telling me that you loved me "forever and always".
I love you forever and always:-)
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I can't believe that I lost you so fast but really when I think using my head and not my heart the signs were there but I wouldn't let myself see them. You weren't bouncing back after having your stomach drained, you were constantly tired and you didn't even want to go shopping.
I wish with every fiber of my soul that I forced you to go to the ER the week before you died. You said you were feeling better and I believed you. I thank God that the last thing I ever said to you was " I love you" and you said it back. I have never prayed as hard as I did the last day of your life. God answered my prayers but not in the way I wanted but in the end I have to admit that I was praying for you to find peace and not be in pain anymore. I know that you are with Nana and I hope you are playing cards and laughing.
The week of the funeral I took one of your pain pills because I hurt so bad I was in physical pain and I had the worst dream. I woke up crying because you told me that you weren't dead you just didn't want to be my mom anymore. That was the last time that I took a pain pill and it was the last time that I dreamt about you until just recently. In my dreams now you are happy and healthy. You keep telling me to go and that you will always be with me.
It has taken me a year but most days I can think of you and smile and not cry. I think of all of the messes that we got into and the fights and the jokes and lazy days watching old movies (which I hated at the time but damn now I find myself pausing when I come across a John Wayne movie...OYE).
I am going through the old pictures and I smile at how happy you were growing up and getting married and then it was the just the two of us but you still had a sparkle in your eyes. I am trying to get the wedding pictures in some sort of order and I smile remembering the fun we had planning my wedding. You were so eager to be included in the planning but you were so careful to not take over because it was my wedding not yours. You were so beautiful on my wedding day and you just glowed with happiness even though dad was late. I thank God that you heard me say "I do" !
I miss you every day but I think you would be proud of how your little family has handled you not being here with us. The Cousin and I email or text almost everyday. I have leaned on her more than ever this year. I sent the Hero some pictures and we talk a lot more than we did before. The Man and I hang out with Goosey and Uncle Nernie a lot. The Man and I are still going strong,even stronger than before. He is my rock and I love him more everyday. Oatmeally is still my voice of reason.
I miss you everyday but I talk to you in my heart and I know that you go where I go. The last year of your life you started telling me that you loved me "forever and always".
I love you forever and always:-)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Last Day
I have been struggling a bit with this grief thing. I keep playing back the last moments of my mom's life at the oddest times. I find myself tearing up at court, watching a Scooby Doo cartoon (don't judge me! I love Scooby Doo!!), doing my nails, watching the Golden Girls (again stop judging me!), etc......
I think maybe if I write it down I can maybe let go of the bad memories and start remembering the good times and yes there were plenty of good times with Rosie Posie Girl!
Sooo here I go
My best friend from grade school Dinky lost her mom the week that my mom went into the hospital and Saturday January 30 was the funeral. The dr said that they were going to do a test on Saturday to see what was going on with my mom's brain activity. At this point we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it would only be a matter of time before she started to show signs of recovery. They did the test really early Saturday morning and The Man and I were going to the funeral and then to the hospital. My aunt and uncle were coming to the hospital early to be with my mom and then we would take the late shift. Now all of the numbers that we need to go down were going down so really we did have hope. Anyway we were on the way to the funeral luncheon and my uncle called to ask when were coming to the hospital. I said after the luncheon and I asked if everything was ok and he said yeah he was just wondering. We quickly ate and went to the hospital.
The doctor came in shortly after we got to the hospital and he told us the results of the test were not good in any way shape or form. There was minimal brain activity and there was very little chance of a total recovery. I just sat there and sobbed on my aunt while The Man was rubbing my back telling me he loves me. I said that it wasn't fair to her to keep her going if there really wasn't any hope. My mom had always been crystal clear that she did not want to be on life support and I needed to be strong and let her go. She also stressed the importance of getting a second opinion. My uncle agreed with me and we started to call my cousins to get here as quickly as possible. The Man called his parents who were dealing with a crisis of their own with their youngest son in a different state so they couldn't come but they started praying. I called my dad and I just sobbed and told him to get to the hospital NOW. He did. I called the Oatmeally and then I called her again since she couldn't understand my message. My friends all got to the hospital and to this day I have no idea who called who. I just remember calling my dad and Oatmeally.
The Dr came back and told us that he had talked to her normal doctor and he suggested giving her another 24 hours to allow her more time on the different medications. We agreed as a family to give her another 24 hours.
It was the longest day, afternoon and evening of my life. We were all at the hospital making that odd chit chat that people do when they are nervous and scared. I walked back and forth between the waiting room and her room.
Our priest came and prayed with us. The same priest who saw my mom walk down the aisle of our wedding saw her in that stupid hospital room. He stayed for awhile and he was comforting.
The nurse came in and she made my mom more comfortable and then she moved the sheet. I won't go into details because I can't wrap my mind around it but it was obvious that my momma was shutting down quickly and the 24th hour had arrived. The Cousin arrived and we cried together. I called the Hero cousin and Moaners answered the phone and I told her that when they got there they would have time to say good-bye but afterward we were pulling the machines.
The Hero was always really close to my mom, both my cousins were and neither one of them wanted to remember her in that way so the good-byes were short.
We all prayed around her again and then we had to leave the room while the nurses did something in her room. We walked in and waited for the dr to get there with the papers for me to sign.
He finally arrived and he was actually really nice and comforting, he explained the paperwork to me but I can't remember a word he said. I signed my full name without a problem for the first two papers but the third and final form I broke down. The Man was right there with me and he gave me the strength to sign the final form.
We said good bye again. I held her hand for awhile.
It was silent in the room with just the beeping of the machines. They started getting further and further apart. They finally stopped and just like that my mommakins was gone.
I walked out of the room and I had to sign more forms.
I walked in the waiting room to tell everyone that she was gone and then I had to leave that hospital.
I could not be in that building for one more second. I felt like screaming and crying and throwing the worst tantrum of my life.
I know that I am loved. I have a great husband, the best family, awesome friends and I still have my dad but there is nothing like the love of a mother.
I am Catholic and I know with every fiber of my being that my mom is in a better place and I know with equal certainity that she is with Baby Jesus.
I also know that I would give anything to hear her voice again.
To get another text
To eat chips and dip while playing cards with her, my nana and The Cousin
To just give her a look and know that she "got it"
To argue with her
To read TV with her
To tell her that The Man was her favorite and watch her smile and giggle while shaking her head
To hear her call The Hero her Angel and watch a grown military man smile like a little boy knowing that he is loved.
To tell her she was my pain in my ass and watch her smile and tell me that moms live to hear that from their grown children.
To know that one person on this planet thought I was the best thing that ever happened to them and that my birth made her life worth it.
I think maybe if I write it down I can maybe let go of the bad memories and start remembering the good times and yes there were plenty of good times with Rosie Posie Girl!
Sooo here I go
My best friend from grade school Dinky lost her mom the week that my mom went into the hospital and Saturday January 30 was the funeral. The dr said that they were going to do a test on Saturday to see what was going on with my mom's brain activity. At this point we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it would only be a matter of time before she started to show signs of recovery. They did the test really early Saturday morning and The Man and I were going to the funeral and then to the hospital. My aunt and uncle were coming to the hospital early to be with my mom and then we would take the late shift. Now all of the numbers that we need to go down were going down so really we did have hope. Anyway we were on the way to the funeral luncheon and my uncle called to ask when were coming to the hospital. I said after the luncheon and I asked if everything was ok and he said yeah he was just wondering. We quickly ate and went to the hospital.
The doctor came in shortly after we got to the hospital and he told us the results of the test were not good in any way shape or form. There was minimal brain activity and there was very little chance of a total recovery. I just sat there and sobbed on my aunt while The Man was rubbing my back telling me he loves me. I said that it wasn't fair to her to keep her going if there really wasn't any hope. My mom had always been crystal clear that she did not want to be on life support and I needed to be strong and let her go. She also stressed the importance of getting a second opinion. My uncle agreed with me and we started to call my cousins to get here as quickly as possible. The Man called his parents who were dealing with a crisis of their own with their youngest son in a different state so they couldn't come but they started praying. I called my dad and I just sobbed and told him to get to the hospital NOW. He did. I called the Oatmeally and then I called her again since she couldn't understand my message. My friends all got to the hospital and to this day I have no idea who called who. I just remember calling my dad and Oatmeally.
The Dr came back and told us that he had talked to her normal doctor and he suggested giving her another 24 hours to allow her more time on the different medications. We agreed as a family to give her another 24 hours.
It was the longest day, afternoon and evening of my life. We were all at the hospital making that odd chit chat that people do when they are nervous and scared. I walked back and forth between the waiting room and her room.
Our priest came and prayed with us. The same priest who saw my mom walk down the aisle of our wedding saw her in that stupid hospital room. He stayed for awhile and he was comforting.
The nurse came in and she made my mom more comfortable and then she moved the sheet. I won't go into details because I can't wrap my mind around it but it was obvious that my momma was shutting down quickly and the 24th hour had arrived. The Cousin arrived and we cried together. I called the Hero cousin and Moaners answered the phone and I told her that when they got there they would have time to say good-bye but afterward we were pulling the machines.
The Hero was always really close to my mom, both my cousins were and neither one of them wanted to remember her in that way so the good-byes were short.
We all prayed around her again and then we had to leave the room while the nurses did something in her room. We walked in and waited for the dr to get there with the papers for me to sign.
He finally arrived and he was actually really nice and comforting, he explained the paperwork to me but I can't remember a word he said. I signed my full name without a problem for the first two papers but the third and final form I broke down. The Man was right there with me and he gave me the strength to sign the final form.
We said good bye again. I held her hand for awhile.
It was silent in the room with just the beeping of the machines. They started getting further and further apart. They finally stopped and just like that my mommakins was gone.
I walked out of the room and I had to sign more forms.
I walked in the waiting room to tell everyone that she was gone and then I had to leave that hospital.
I could not be in that building for one more second. I felt like screaming and crying and throwing the worst tantrum of my life.
I know that I am loved. I have a great husband, the best family, awesome friends and I still have my dad but there is nothing like the love of a mother.
I am Catholic and I know with every fiber of my being that my mom is in a better place and I know with equal certainity that she is with Baby Jesus.
I also know that I would give anything to hear her voice again.
To get another text
To eat chips and dip while playing cards with her, my nana and The Cousin
To just give her a look and know that she "got it"
To argue with her
To read TV with her
To tell her that The Man was her favorite and watch her smile and giggle while shaking her head
To hear her call The Hero her Angel and watch a grown military man smile like a little boy knowing that he is loved.
To tell her she was my pain in my ass and watch her smile and tell me that moms live to hear that from their grown children.
To know that one person on this planet thought I was the best thing that ever happened to them and that my birth made her life worth it.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
So this was my first Mother's Day without my mommakins.
It did indeed suck as badly as I thought it would.
G-D I miss her so much.
I know she is in Heaven but I really want her here with me:-(
Monday, April 12, 2010
Mom's Birthday
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I am dreading it and I have taken tomorrow off from work. I don't need to be a weepy mess at work.
I miss her so much some days, other days I just miss her.
I miss our texts
I miss her calling me "funny face" or "peanut"
I miss kissing her on her forehead after she made a big deal of wiping it off:-)
I miss doing her Tarjay runs
I miss being able to text her when work gets bad or The Man and I are having a bad day.
I miss gossiping with her
I miss arguing with her
Most of all, I miss being her little girl.
My mom dedicated this song to me at my Prom, which she could do since she was a chaperon.
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
By Richard Marx.
Happy Birthday Mommakins!
I miss her so much some days, other days I just miss her.
I miss our texts
I miss her calling me "funny face" or "peanut"
I miss kissing her on her forehead after she made a big deal of wiping it off:-)
I miss doing her Tarjay runs
I miss being able to text her when work gets bad or The Man and I are having a bad day.
I miss gossiping with her
I miss arguing with her
Most of all, I miss being her little girl.
My mom dedicated this song to me at my Prom, which she could do since she was a chaperon.
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
By Richard Marx.
Happy Birthday Mommakins!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Rough day
Today we had plans to go to the bank and then to the funeral home to pay off the balance of my mom's funeral. We get there and find out that she is there. Her ashes are there waiting for pick up. WOW, I was so not mentally prepared for that today. You know just when you think you have hit the bottom you find out it was only a false floor and there is another layer of pure ick below.
My momma is in two boxes and it hurts.
My momma is in two boxes and it hurts.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Hell and gratitude
My mom went into the hospital on Wednesday and she was buried a week later. This has thrown me for a loop. My entire family and friends circled the wagons around me and my mommakins. There were so many emotions that I have gone through since last Wednesday. But the biggest positive emotion that I have gone through as been gratitude.
On Friday we had hope and on Saturday I was told that I had to make the hardest decision that a daughter will ever have to make and I did make it knowing that I was surrounded by my family and I was following my mom's final wishes. She raised me to be a strong woman and I drew upon her strength to sign those nasty papers. I signed those papers surrounded by family and my mommakins left this world surrounded by her family and I know in my heart she felt our love as she left.
As I was praying for my mommakins to not hurt anymore while praying for a miracle I knew that I was not alone at any point.
My husband was by my side constantly offering his comfort and strength. He never left my side. He kept reminding me that I was following my momma's wishes and that I had him to lean on and he wasn't going anywhere.
My cousin was on her way with her little family. She held me as I was holding my momma's hand letting her go.
My hero cousin was driving through blizzard conditions with his family to get to our side. My Moaners was constantly texting me offering her support as she was offering her support to my hero cousin and being strong for her sons and dealing with her own grief.
My aunt and uncle stayed with me through this entire hell. My uncle who has always be strong and the leader of our little family offered me his strength and wisdom as I struggled to make the decisions that had to me made with my mommakins comfort and wishes as the most important goal. My aunt let me cry on her and gave me the strength to let my mom go.
My Ohio family praying for my mom and me as they dealt with their own family crisis.
My Stinky and Step monster who stayed with me in the hospital until the bitter end. They let me cry on them and brought us dinner.
My Oatmeally who came as soon as she got my second frantic call (she couldn't understand the first one) and who stayed until the bitter end. She held my hand as I sobbed.
My K-Pooh who stayed with me far into the night which is huge since she tends to get a bit loopy late at night. She let me cry on her. She offered her quiet support while I sobbed on her.
My Pastel One who came to the hospital and offered her support. She was with me on Monday and she never left my side as I had to go into my mom's apartment for the first time and while I made the funeral arrangements.
My Bunny-Butt who kept my other friends updated with texts. She kept me smiling with her jokes even when I thought I would never smile. She stayed until the bitter end.
My Dinky who came to the hospital even though she buried her momma that morning. She was strong for me even when I knew she was hurting inside.
My Scrapbook Girl and Blondie who were engaging in cult activities kept texting me offering support even though I know that this was bringing up memories of losing their own momma's not long ago. I sent them a text when my mommakins was gone and they were awake even though it was after 4 in the morning.
I will thank G-d every day of my life for all of these people who were there for me while I went through the worst experience of my life. I have no idea what I did to deserve such awesome people but I will be forever grateful for each of them for the rest of my life.
On Friday we had hope and on Saturday I was told that I had to make the hardest decision that a daughter will ever have to make and I did make it knowing that I was surrounded by my family and I was following my mom's final wishes. She raised me to be a strong woman and I drew upon her strength to sign those nasty papers. I signed those papers surrounded by family and my mommakins left this world surrounded by her family and I know in my heart she felt our love as she left.
As I was praying for my mommakins to not hurt anymore while praying for a miracle I knew that I was not alone at any point.
My husband was by my side constantly offering his comfort and strength. He never left my side. He kept reminding me that I was following my momma's wishes and that I had him to lean on and he wasn't going anywhere.
My cousin was on her way with her little family. She held me as I was holding my momma's hand letting her go.
My hero cousin was driving through blizzard conditions with his family to get to our side. My Moaners was constantly texting me offering her support as she was offering her support to my hero cousin and being strong for her sons and dealing with her own grief.
My aunt and uncle stayed with me through this entire hell. My uncle who has always be strong and the leader of our little family offered me his strength and wisdom as I struggled to make the decisions that had to me made with my mommakins comfort and wishes as the most important goal. My aunt let me cry on her and gave me the strength to let my mom go.
My Ohio family praying for my mom and me as they dealt with their own family crisis.
My Stinky and Step monster who stayed with me in the hospital until the bitter end. They let me cry on them and brought us dinner.
My Oatmeally who came as soon as she got my second frantic call (she couldn't understand the first one) and who stayed until the bitter end. She held my hand as I sobbed.
My K-Pooh who stayed with me far into the night which is huge since she tends to get a bit loopy late at night. She let me cry on her. She offered her quiet support while I sobbed on her.
My Pastel One who came to the hospital and offered her support. She was with me on Monday and she never left my side as I had to go into my mom's apartment for the first time and while I made the funeral arrangements.
My Bunny-Butt who kept my other friends updated with texts. She kept me smiling with her jokes even when I thought I would never smile. She stayed until the bitter end.
My Dinky who came to the hospital even though she buried her momma that morning. She was strong for me even when I knew she was hurting inside.
My Scrapbook Girl and Blondie who were engaging in cult activities kept texting me offering support even though I know that this was bringing up memories of losing their own momma's not long ago. I sent them a text when my mommakins was gone and they were awake even though it was after 4 in the morning.
I will thank G-d every day of my life for all of these people who were there for me while I went through the worst experience of my life. I have no idea what I did to deserve such awesome people but I will be forever grateful for each of them for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Its been confirmed by a medical professional
My mom has a screw loose
BWAAHHAHHHHHHH!!!!
No really in 2005 she fell and broke (actually the surgeon said she "shattered") her femur. To fix it they had to put in 10 screws (8 are in her knee) and a plate. Now one of the screws has come loose in her knee and the whole kit and caboodle has to come out.
Next week we will know when the surgery is scheduled and she will be coming home the day after the surgery. I am a bit concerned however I am being positive for her and really? The doctor was a bundle of positive information so I am confident that she will come through this with flying colors.
So there you have it: my momma has a screw loose:-D
BWAAHHAHHHHHHH!!!!
No really in 2005 she fell and broke (actually the surgeon said she "shattered") her femur. To fix it they had to put in 10 screws (8 are in her knee) and a plate. Now one of the screws has come loose in her knee and the whole kit and caboodle has to come out.
Next week we will know when the surgery is scheduled and she will be coming home the day after the surgery. I am a bit concerned however I am being positive for her and really? The doctor was a bundle of positive information so I am confident that she will come through this with flying colors.
So there you have it: my momma has a screw loose:-D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)