Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Last Day

I have been struggling a bit with this grief thing. I keep playing back the last moments of my mom's life at the oddest times. I find myself tearing up at court, watching a Scooby Doo cartoon (don't judge me! I love Scooby Doo!!), doing my nails, watching the Golden Girls (again stop judging me!), etc......

I think maybe if I write it down I can maybe let go of the bad memories and start remembering the good times and yes there were plenty of good times with Rosie Posie Girl!

Sooo here I go

My best friend from grade school Dinky lost her mom the week that my mom went into the hospital and Saturday January 30 was the funeral. The dr said that they were going to do a test on Saturday to see what was going on with my mom's brain activity. At this point we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it would only be a matter of time before she started to show signs of recovery. They did the test really early Saturday morning and The Man and I were going to the funeral and then to the hospital. My aunt and uncle were coming to the hospital early to be with my mom and then we would take the late shift. Now all of the numbers that we need to go down were going down so really we did have hope. Anyway we were on the way to the funeral luncheon and my uncle called to ask when were coming to the hospital. I said after the luncheon and I asked if everything was ok and he said yeah he was just wondering. We quickly ate and went to the hospital.

The doctor came in shortly after we got to the hospital and he told us the results of the test were not good in any way shape or form. There was minimal brain activity and there was very little chance of a total recovery. I just sat there and sobbed on my aunt while The Man was rubbing my back telling me he loves me. I said that it wasn't fair to her to keep her going if there really wasn't any hope. My mom had always been crystal clear that she did not want to be on life support and I needed to be strong and let her go. She also stressed the importance of getting a second opinion. My uncle agreed with me and we started to call my cousins to get here as quickly as possible. The Man called his parents who were dealing with a crisis of their own with their youngest son in a different state so they couldn't come but they started praying. I called my dad and I just sobbed and told him to get to the hospital NOW. He did. I called the Oatmeally and then I called her again since she couldn't understand my message. My friends all got to the hospital and to this day I have no idea who called who. I just remember calling my dad and Oatmeally.

The Dr came back and told us that he had talked to her normal doctor and he suggested giving her another 24 hours to allow her more time on the different medications. We agreed as a family to give her another 24 hours.

It was the longest day, afternoon and evening of my life. We were all at the hospital making that odd chit chat that people do when they are nervous and scared. I walked back and forth between the waiting room and her room.

Our priest came and prayed with us. The same priest who saw my mom walk down the aisle of our wedding saw her in that stupid hospital room. He stayed for awhile and he was comforting.

The nurse came in and she made my mom more comfortable and then she moved the sheet. I won't go into details because I can't wrap my mind around it but it was obvious that my momma was shutting down quickly and the 24th hour had arrived. The Cousin arrived and we cried together. I called the Hero cousin and Moaners answered the phone and I told her that when they got there they would have time to say good-bye but afterward we were pulling the machines.

The Hero was always really close to my mom, both my cousins were and neither one of them wanted to remember her in that way so the good-byes were short.

We all prayed around her again and then we had to leave the room while the nurses did something in her room. We walked in and waited for the dr to get there with the papers for me to sign.

He finally arrived and he was actually really nice and comforting, he explained the paperwork to me but I can't remember a word he said. I signed my full name without a problem for the first two papers but the third and final form I broke down. The Man was right there with me and he gave me the strength to sign the final form.

We said good bye again. I held her hand for awhile.
It was silent in the room with just the beeping of the machines. They started getting further and further apart. They finally stopped and just like that my mommakins was gone.

I walked out of the room and I had to sign more forms.

I walked in the waiting room to tell everyone that she was gone and then I had to leave that hospital.

I could not be in that building for one more second. I felt like screaming and crying and throwing the worst tantrum of my life.

I know that I am loved. I have a great husband, the best family, awesome friends and I still have my dad but there is nothing like the love of a mother.

I am Catholic and I know with every fiber of my being that my mom is in a better place and I know with equal certainity that she is with Baby Jesus.

I also know that I would give anything to hear her voice again.

To get another text

To eat chips and dip while playing cards with her, my nana and The Cousin

To just give her a look and know that she "got it"

To argue with her

To read TV with her

To tell her that The Man was her favorite and watch her smile and giggle while shaking her head

To hear her call The Hero her Angel and watch a grown military man smile like a little boy knowing that he is loved.

To tell her she was my pain in my ass and watch her smile and tell me that moms live to hear that from their grown children.

To know that one person on this planet thought I was the best thing that ever happened to them and that my birth made her life worth it.

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