So I have had some time to think about what my father did to me. I am still angry. I am still hurt. Oh the hurt that I am feeling is the kind that can overwhelm someone.
You know what bugs me the most? This came out of the blue, right field shocker. I normally call my dad three to four times a week when I don't have a busy court week. We were fine. No fights nothing. I can't understand his rationale for doing this and he acted like his world was all daisys and puppy tails when I called him in Mexico. I know he will have a rationale because my father always has one. It may be self-centered and contain mountains of circular reasoning but he will have one. I also know that he will NEVER EVER say he was sorry. He may in time realize that he was wrong and nothing could ever justify what he did but he will never admit that he is wrong. My stepmonster says he realizes when he wrong but I have never honestly seen him admit failure of any type. She tends to take his silence when he is faced with something he did wrong as acceptance of wrong doing but its not. Its just a waiting silence. He is waiting for you to move on because really, he is done and over what ever you are choosing to focus on and my what a shame that you have to live in the past.
Actually The Man and I were talking last night and what is really really bugging me is that I don't have a plan. I am always the girl with the plan. You have a problem? Give me a minute and I will have a plan. It may be a dumb plan but by God it will be a PLAN. Something to get you thinking. Now? I don't have one. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I know he will not call me and right now? I don't want to call him but I know that can't last, its not healthy for either one of us. The one year into my masters program psychologist in me is wondering if he doesn't have a self observing ego and is this his way of dealing with the grief he must be feeling and I should try to help him understand that his way of dealing with things like this is not healthy. I know that he does not handle death well. He tends to avoid it, he doesn't even like watching a TV show where a character dies. I don't know why he has decided to display or deal with the grief by turning it into anger at me. I just know its undeserved and quite frankly I am not the little girl who desparately wants to make her daddy happy. That is my educated logical side. But you know what? Doctor heal thine self is a load of bullpucky. I am hurting and understanding the psychological theory behind it doesn't help. All I know that if I was getting married this Saturday I would not be walking down that aisle with him it would be the Hero.
I do know that if I didn't have the family that I do and by family I mean friends and relatives I would be a mess. I called the cousin crying and her just listening meant everything to me.
I just want a plan.
A good plan.