Tomorrow is my farewell lunch.
I am dreading this with the fires of ten thousand hells.
I hate that I feel I might cry and I hate crying in front of people other than close friends and The Man.
I want to be a strong "eat my dust" woman and I pray that I can walk out of the office and hold my tears until at least I get into the car and have The Man on the phone. I will know that I will be partly crying in anger over the unfairness of the little man but if he sees me he won't know that he should thank G-d that I am getting my frustration out in a such a harmless way when I all I want to do is punch him. Of course I would never lower myself to physical violence because I am a lady even if I overcome my upbringing most days but its tempting.
But in reality I know that this will not happen because I do love those kids and so many of them are close to being adopted and I won't be there to see it. I will miss my friends and in a weak moment I might actually miss court. I hate that I won't be employed and a contributing member to my little family.
But I also know that in a couple of days I will have my footing and my heart won't be breaking everytime I think about one of my kids. I know that in a couple of days my sense of humor (defense mechanism actually) will be working properly and I will be able to put a Duchess spin on this and I will get my house standing tall and homework will actually be done and I will have The Man not trying to wear brown shoes with black pants to work because he can't find the black shoes. I know I know I am working on this with him but it takes time.
I just wish a couple of days were already here.