2013 Please be better than 2012!!

Allo Loves,

2012 was a pretty crappy year. I was flaring for the majority of it. Then I was diagnosed with Diabetes and then I lost my job. The Man and I are lovely but other than that (yes I am grateful that we are lovely) the year was absolute rubbish.

This means that 2013? Life can only improve!!

I made some resolutions for this year however I am going to refer to them as "goals" not resolutions because I break those and maybe I can reach my goals? Maybe? Sorta kindof if you don't look to closely:-)

I am going to be messing around with this blog because blogging is one of my goals. I will be adding a page for my goal for 2013 and since one of my goals is working on Casa de GermanLastName I may make a page for home improvement.

I bought the book "Young House Love" and googley moogley I LOVE IT!!!!!

Oh I also bought one of the Hungry Girl books and so far I have about 359734082 recipes that I want to try so I guess another goal is cooking more? Eh ok maybe I will become the Mexican version of Martha?


Hugs

Saturday

I am waiting for the cleaning gnomes to show up. So far, crickets.


Damn

PTSD

Hey, So my wallet was stolen two weeks ago. I was in a doctor's office with a foster child who was 6 years old. He was golden but we were in a walk in clinic and we got there at 8:45 and we left at 12:15 so golden or not he was six and he was bored yeah picture it. Anyhoo I had two packets of paperwork to fill out for him, I was trying to keep him entertained and I was on the phone with my supervisor, the DHS worker and another State worker and to say that I was a bit distracted is an understatement. My purse was on the end table right next to me however I was not completely focused on it. I was using my new shiny purple Coach wallet and in addition to the usual things that live in a typical wallet I had my mom's last driver's license. What I miss the most? Seeing her smiling face whenever I open my wallet. I am not going to lie I miss my purple shiny Coach wallet but her picture? Yeah I really miss it and I want to beeyatch slap the ass who stole my mom's picture. Also I now have a very, very mild form of PTSD in regards to my purse and wallet. I am now super aware of who is around me and I find myself looking at people and trying to assess how likely they are to steal from me which is not a way to live. Also? I have a lovely Kate Spade wallet that the Cousin got for me and now I want to use it but if I lose that wallet AND my mom's picture I may actually beeyatch slap someone. In the grand scheme of life I know that this isn't life ending but it is life altering and I don't like being suspicious of everyone that I see. Me and my First World Issues.

Fun wedding memory

Did I ever tell you that I thought I would NEVER get married? Nope not being dramatic I honestly in my heart of hearts thought that I would never get married EVER. I watched my posse getting married and I was so happy for them. I cried at every wedding and being honest 90% of the tears were happy tears but 10% were sad "this will never be me" tears. So yeah when I was blessed with The Man I thought that I had gotten the biggest miracle that the Good Lord was capable of (you know totally disregarding the whole making the world in 7 days, parting random bodies of water, making a virgin pregnant, burning foliage, etc). I threw myself into the whole wedding planning circus and I never looked back. In my head I knew being married meant that I would be a wife, hopefully a momma at some point, my name would change, a covenant would be set in stone, in short my life would be completely different on 10-7-07. It never occurred to me that I would never live with my mom again. It had always been my mom and me since my parents got divorced when I was 6. Living with mom was all that I knew. Oatmeally was with me the day before the wedding. Mommakins, Oatmeally and I ran errands (got our nails done, checked into the hotel, etc) all day before the rehearsal dinner. We had stopped by the apartment before the rehearsal to grab the last bits of wedding day stuff and it hit me. That was the last time that I was leaving the apartment as somebody that lived there and that I would never live with mom again. I lost it and my mom just hugged me and I told me that I would always have a place to live with her and I was going on a grand adventure with the man that I loved and she would always be with me. A true "AWWWW" moment. On days that I miss my mom so badly that it's a physical pain I think back on that day and I smile.

New Planner

Allo Loves, I just got my new planner in the mail on Friday. I have an Erin Condren Life Planner and it is just a lovely thing indeed! I am trying to work out how to show pictures of it without showing my real identity:-) I feel like a super duper secret agent type gal LOL! Work is calming down a bit which is nice since that audit nonsense darn near drove all of us crazy. Am I the only one that gets giddy when they find out their supervisor is going on vacation? Seriously I am like a little kid on Christmas when she is gone. I get so much more work done when she is gone and not walking around asking what we are doing and just generally bugging the crap out of her team. I get my reports back quicker and with less corrections from the other adoption coordinator which increases my self esteem:-) I finally feel like I have the majority of my ducks in a row which is nice since I haven't felt this way since oh I don't know last year! Hugs!

Letters on a sneezy Saturday

I saw this link thing on several other blogs and I thought it looked like fun so here it goes: Dear HotPant, I love you lots Dear Allergies, GO TO HADES!! Dear Colitis, GO AWAY! Dear Families that need to turn in updated clearances, PLEASE do so! I am not the one that wants to adopt the child YOU ARE so let's get on the same page mmkay? Dear Cleaning Fairy, please come to my house pretty please!! Hugs!

Love

Yesterday I had a very icky not fun whatsoever test for my colitis. I had to prepare for it the day before by taking awful medication and not eating anything. I also have a cold that is making me miserable on top of being miserable. In short I was a whiny bitchy mess of ooze.

I was also freaking out because this test can also tell us if I have colon cancer. I have had Ulcerative Colitis since I was 13 which increases my chances of getting colon cancer. Fun times people. So The Man spent a good portion of his day on Wednesday reassuring me that he would never ever leave me even if I have cancer and that he loves me despite me being a whiny bitchy mess of ooze.

He took the day off on Thursday to take me to my test since I needed the emotional support and a ride home from the test. They put you out for the test and then you can't drive or make serious decisions for the rest of the day.

The Man was allowed in the recovery room following the test and I was still out of it when he saw me. My hand was laying on top of my hip and when I felt him touch my hand I grabbed it, while still out, in a death grip. When I came to I sat up and announced that I wanted The Man and I tried to get out of bed. He pushed me back into bed and told me that he was there.

Of course he was there.
He is always there.
He will always be there.
I am one lucky Duchess.

How I am keeping the spice in my marriage!

Working title: Why The Man volunteered to stay in Mexico for another week.

So The Man is back in Mexico. I am telling you this internets because you all don't know where I live so none of you will try to kill me as I sleep. If you do know me you know that I will bust a glock on yo' ass for shizzle if you try anything silly. Why yes I speak fluent gangsta!

Hmm anyway here is a snippet of why The Man is so tooting lucky to have me as his wife:

Please let me set the scene: I had just told The Man that I had burped and now I was hungry. I like for him to think of me as a delicate flower that must be coddled and admired so I share my shiny moments with him.

The Man: The sad part is I’m jealous.
Love you
The Duchess: that you didn't hear me burp and you can't see me in my sexy pjs.?

Ohh you are so missing out on the cuteness.

Seriously

Yo

I have it cranked up to 11

Why?

Cause my cute meter goes to 11!



Love you

Ohhh yeah its always sexy up in here:-)

2-1-12

I love the first day of February. Not because it is the month of pink and red goodies. Not because it means that winter is one month closer to being over. Not because of the Super Bowl which I think is sometimes in January. No, the first day of February is my favorite day because it means the 1-31 is over and I won't have to face it for another year.

1-31 is the day my mom died. I HATE 1-31 with a fiery passion. I get depressed and I cry and it hurts all over again like a fresh wound.

I survived it like I knew I would.

I survived because of texts from the Cousin, Bunny Butt, Scrapbook Girl and the Pastel One.

I survived because of phone calls from the Cousin, Scrapbook Girl and Dinky.

I survived because I have a bestest friend that can call me and will listen to me blubbering and know what to say when I take a breath that will make me laugh.

I survived because I have a husband that loves me unconditionally.

I survived because I have a stinky that loves me.

I survived because I have an aunt and uncle that love me like another daughter.

I survived because I had a mommmakins that loved me more than life itself.

Sunday thoughts

I have so much reading to do for my classes!

My kitchen is a mess

I left my planner at work and I feel very scattered

I folded 6421686421 loads of laundry and I am still not done

I like this phone blogging:-)

Hey

I can blog from my phone!! Whoo hoo! Here is a picture of Loki PuppBoy to brighten your day.

The week of being sick and dodging serial killers

The Man was in Mexico from Monday to today. I decided to get sick Sunday and I wasn't able to go to work until Wednesday and that was only for a half day. On Tuesday I read an article on how serial killers picked their victims. One of the ways is that they learn the victims schedule and the example that they gave was when the lights in the house were turned off. This would signify when the victim was comfy cozy in their PJ's not realizing that a crazed killer was waiting for them to go to sleepy doodles.

So what do I do?

I turn every light on in the house and then I start to turn off random lights at different times throughout the night to confuse the crazed killer watching me!

HA! Take that crazy pants I am even CRAZIER (in a non-killing way cute way)than you and it would be easier for you to choose a different victim.

Laugh if you want to but I AM STILL ALIVE so it must have worked:-) Tired but alive!!

Hugs

FRIDAY!!

Allo Loves,

So this week has dragged on like it was never going to end. I had a ton to do for work and this grad school gig started off with a bazillion chapters to read:-(

I definitely have to get in the groove and get organized.

In other news:

I am so excited that it is finally cooler in Michigan. I love the fall season from the cooler temperatures to the darker makeup! I don't wear as much red lipstick in the spring or summer so I rock it during the fall and winter.

We are doing some fun projects around the house!

Can you believe that I still have Mommakin boxes to go through? I am thinking one lazy day I will drag The Man to the basement (sounds sinister no?) to keep me company while I go through them.

I need to find an easier way to get my pictures off my phone onto my computer so I can post pictures of my new planner. I have my real name on it and The Man has asked that I keep some part of my identity secret (much like the superhero that I am) so I will have to get creative to cover up my name.

I am getting my hairs colored next week and I am rather giddy about it!

I also ordered some nifty cards that have my name, cell number and email on them since we are doing group projects this semester and quite honestly I will feel sassy giving them out. Yeah I am a dork but I am dork with really cute cards so eh!

I am opened my pie hole during a meeting and somehow I ended up volunteering to put together the Adoption Orientation binder. I refer to it as my "pie hole" when it gets me in trouble otherwise it is known as my mouth or my yap, you know depending on my mood and such.

The Cousin is coming to town and I find myself humming "Santa Claus is coming to town" and substituting her name for Santa Claus. This may account to me getting strange looks at the office.

Off to finish my discussion paper although I really feel that I have moved on from the discussion of free education in Utah.

Hugs


I think

Hello Again!

WOW
This is embarrassing in many ways. I can't believe that I haven't blogged since what January?

I realize that not one is reading this anymore but I am commenting more on other blogs and I have to say I really really miss blogging.

So what is new you ask?

LOTS!!!

The Smart Girl made her First Holy Communion and once I figure out how to post pictures again I will.

The Cousin had a baby and her middle name is my mom's first name..LOVE IT!

I got in the MSW program at another university which is making me feel all smart and stuff:-)

The Man? AWESOME as ever.

Work is going well now that I did four massive reports in ONE WEEK:-(

I am really going to try and be a better blogger. This is just embarrassing that I have neglected this bit of blogland for so very long.

Hugs

Things I am loving RIGHT NOW

*** Sending gifts in classy shiny gold puffy envelopes

*** Oatmeally giving me a gift card for Star*ucks so I can get coffee with the Scrapbook girl

*** New Spring nail polish

*** A warm puppy, a comfy couch and cozy blanket

*** A husband who thinks I am cute when I have no makeup on

*** New planner pages

*** People telling me that I am a good adoption specialist

*** Having Smart Girl tell me she is excited about going to her first Reconciliation

Things I am not loving RIGHT NOW

*** Jury Duty

*** Having to sit still and NOT TALK for three WHOLE HOURS DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!

Hugs

One Year

Mommakins,

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I can't believe that I lost you so fast but really when I think using my head and not my heart the signs were there but I wouldn't let myself see them. You weren't bouncing back after having your stomach drained, you were constantly tired and you didn't even want to go shopping.

I wish with every fiber of my soul that I forced you to go to the ER the week before you died. You said you were feeling better and I believed you. I thank God that the last thing I ever said to you was " I love you" and you said it back. I have never prayed as hard as I did the last day of your life. God answered my prayers but not in the way I wanted but in the end I have to admit that I was praying for you to find peace and not be in pain anymore. I know that you are with Nana and I hope you are playing cards and laughing.

The week of the funeral I took one of your pain pills because I hurt so bad I was in physical pain and I had the worst dream. I woke up crying because you told me that you weren't dead you just didn't want to be my mom anymore. That was the last time that I took a pain pill and it was the last time that I dreamt about you until just recently. In my dreams now you are happy and healthy. You keep telling me to go and that you will always be with me.

It has taken me a year but most days I can think of you and smile and not cry. I think of all of the messes that we got into and the fights and the jokes and lazy days watching old movies (which I hated at the time but damn now I find myself pausing when I come across a John Wayne movie...OYE).

I am going through the old pictures and I smile at how happy you were growing up and getting married and then it was the just the two of us but you still had a sparkle in your eyes. I am trying to get the wedding pictures in some sort of order and I smile remembering the fun we had planning my wedding. You were so eager to be included in the planning but you were so careful to not take over because it was my wedding not yours. You were so beautiful on my wedding day and you just glowed with happiness even though dad was late. I thank God that you heard me say "I do" !

I miss you every day but I think you would be proud of how your little family has handled you not being here with us. The Cousin and I email or text almost everyday. I have leaned on her more than ever this year. I sent the Hero some pictures and we talk a lot more than we did before. The Man and I hang out with Goosey and Uncle Nernie a lot. The Man and I are still going strong,even stronger than before. He is my rock and I love him more everyday. Oatmeally is still my voice of reason.

I miss you everyday but I talk to you in my heart and I know that you go where I go. The last year of your life you started telling me that you loved me "forever and always".

I love you forever and always:-)

1st Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was my mom's favorite holiday. She enjoyed Easter until my Grandma was in the hospital for a couple of years before she died and Christmas was stressful but she really loved Thanksgiving.

Since the second Thanksgiving that The Man and I were dating we have gone to the Ohio Momma's for dinner and we would pick up the Mommakins on the way back at my Aunt's house. We would have snacks and maybe a piece of pie with my side of the family. On the way home mom and I would plot our shopping strategy and The Man would drive and shake his head while telling us we were crazy. We would drop her off at her apartment and I would remind her to set her alarm and not to take her water pill because we would be entirely too busy for her many pee breaks.

Well we went to the Ohio Momma's for dinner and it was lovely.
We went to my Aunt's house and I had two pieces of oddly spicy cheese.
Then we left.
No Rosie Posie in our backseat just the Loki Puppy.
I spent the entire car ride to the Pastel One's house crying.
This new tradition is so very wrong.

So apparently I have MUNGE!

Yes that is a medical condition. I believe that it covers everything from a papercut to your head falling off on a cloudy Tuesday afternoon. The Man has been sick since last week and whooo boy I done got sick on Sunday night. I went back to work today and I had NO LESS than half the floor tell me that I look horrible and please just go home for the love of the Balded Headed Baby Jesus! I went to lunch and I got back from lunch and then I threw up lunch. Yes it was lovely indeed.

Anyway I got dressed for work this morning in a lovely comfy outfit and I thought my shoe felt odd ( the left one for those of you that are curious) but I ignored it because: A. I was running late as usual and I needed to get gas this morning and B. I didn't feel like bending allllll the waaaaay dooowwwnnn ( no, I in no way resemble a giant however my head feels like my brain is a size 4x smooshed into a XS skull) to see what the heck was going on. Anyway I got to work and I was chatting with a co-worker about how bad I looked today (lovely folks that I work with, no really) and I checked out my odd left shoe and LO it was split. The sole was split!!!!! THE HORROR!

Yeah anyway when I left work early because I had thrown up my scrambled eggs and I was all hot and sweaty (why yes I did indeed have a fever) I stopped at a shoe store and bought some black shoes (actually I bought 4 pairs but who is counting?) (Actually The Man keeps count but really he is just silly for thinking that I only need one pair of black shoes) (A symptom of MUNGE is a love for ()).

So ummm yeah hmmm what is new with you?

Oh Funny Story

Scrapbook Girl is also my nail polish shopping buddy. Really you should go with us the next time we go shopping. We are like two well dressed crack heads pushing the other to take one more hit! Yeah I watch Intervention don't you? Seriously I can't shop with her when I am watching my budget (The Man thinks I should always watch a budget, I say HA! I really don't think it is just a coincidence that we entered a ression THE MONTH that I got married and he actually gave me a budget (or something like a budget I believe he said "I like living in a house so lets watch the shopping") and we started to get out of the recession once he found a job and I could shop on a small scale again!) Between the two of us we should be getting a mighty nice Christmas gift from OPIE (a dear friend actually called O.P.I OPIE.) and her sister Essie. Anyhoo I sent her a FB message telling her that a new winter line came out and she sent me a polite reply. WHAT???

WTF!

So of course I called and said "BEEYATCH when I send you such important news you should reply " I am getting my shoes on, when will you be here?" Not something along the line of "Why yes that sounds delightful and it is a definite possibility" My world righted itself when she said she was doing job searching stuff so she was in a professional mode:-) Well alrighty then and yeah we still haven't gone shopping becaues of this MUNGE that I have however once I am MUNGE free we shall shop!

Oh happy story.

I put on one of my mommakins coats today and it still smelled like her:-)

3 Years of HAPPY!!

Our wedding anniversary is October 6 however we are celebrating on the 5th since The Man has choir practice on the 6th:-) My boy? He sings like an angel!

DAMN a lot has happened in 3 short years!

In 2007
--He was employed at Company A
--I was in a Masters program
--I was employed
--I had a momma

In 2008
--I was not employed
--I was dismissed from my Masters program (BEWARE OF C's!!!)
--I found a job rather quickly after being dismissed but I still thought it wasn't quick enough!

In 2009
--The Man was downsized from Company A in Feb
--We realize how blessed we are that I still have a job that provides health insurance
--We are never in danger of losing our house THANK GOD!
--He is able to take my mom to her various Dr appointments.
--He starts his new job at the end of November

In 2010
--I lost my momma

Yes it has been quite the roller coaster of emotions but I still thank God every night for him and his love. I feel like I can do anything as long as he is beside me!

Things I have learned since being married:
-- NEVER EVER throw out an electrical cord because as soon as you do The Man will need it!
--Patience is virtue and I don't have any but I am working on it!
--That magazine from 2000? Keep it! He may need an article from it some day
--Real Men do not get their hair cut at a salon. They go to Barber shops that close whenever the owner wants to go fishing.

I can't wait to see what the next year holds for us:-)

I love you HotPants German Lastname!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Last Day

I have been struggling a bit with this grief thing. I keep playing back the last moments of my mom's life at the oddest times. I find myself tearing up at court, watching a Scooby Doo cartoon (don't judge me! I love Scooby Doo!!), doing my nails, watching the Golden Girls (again stop judging me!), etc......

I think maybe if I write it down I can maybe let go of the bad memories and start remembering the good times and yes there were plenty of good times with Rosie Posie Girl!

Sooo here I go


My best friend from grade school Dinky lost her mom the week that my mom went into the hospital and Saturday January 30 was the funeral. The dr said that they were going to do a test on Saturday to see what was going on with my mom's brain activity. At this point we thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it would only be a matter of time before she started to show signs of recovery. They did the test really early Saturday morning and The Man and I were going to the funeral and then to the hospital. My aunt and uncle were coming to the hospital early to be with my mom and then we would take the late shift. Now all of the numbers that we need to go down were going down so really we did have hope. Anyway we were on the way to the funeral luncheon and my uncle called to ask when were coming to the hospital. I said after the luncheon and I asked if everything was ok and he said yeah he was just wondering. We quickly ate and went to the hospital.

The doctor came in shortly after we got to the hospital and he told us the results of the test were not good in any way shape or form. There was minimal brain activity and there was very little chance of a total recovery. I just sat there and sobbed on my aunt while The Man was rubbing my back telling me he loves me. I said that it wasn't fair to her to keep her going if there really wasn't any hope. My mom had always been crystal clear that she did not want to be on life support and I needed to be strong and let her go. She also stressed the importance of getting a second opinion. My uncle agreed with me and we started to call my cousins to get here as quickly as possible. The Man called his parents who were dealing with a crisis of their own with their youngest son in a different state so they couldn't come but they started praying. I called my dad and I just sobbed and told him to get to the hospital NOW. He did. I called the Oatmeally and then I called her again since she couldn't understand my message. My friends all got to the hospital and to this day I have no idea who called who. I just remember calling my dad and Oatmeally.

The Dr came back and told us that he had talked to her normal doctor and he suggested giving her another 24 hours to allow her more time on the different medications. We agreed as a family to give her another 24 hours.

It was the longest day, afternoon and evening of my life. We were all at the hospital making that odd chit chat that people do when they are nervous and scared. I walked back and forth between the waiting room and her room.

Our priest came and prayed with us. The same priest who saw my mom walk down the aisle of our wedding saw her in that stupid hospital room. He stayed for awhile and he was comforting.

The nurse came in and she made my mom more comfortable and then she moved the sheet. I won't go into details because I can't wrap my mind around it but it was obvious that my momma was shutting down quickly and the 24th hour had arrived. The Cousin arrived and we cried together. I called the Hero cousin and Moaners answered the phone and I told her that when they got there they would have time to say good-bye but afterward we were pulling the machines.

The Hero was always really close to my mom, both my cousins were and neither one of them wanted to remember her in that way so the good-byes were short.

We all prayed around her again and then we had to leave the room while the nurses did something in her room. We walked in and waited for the dr to get there with the papers for me to sign.

He finally arrived and he was actually really nice and comforting, he explained the paperwork to me but I can't remember a word he said. I signed my full name without a problem for the first two papers but the third and final form I broke down. The Man was right there with me and he gave me the strength to sign the final form.

We said good bye again. I held her hand for awhile.
It was silent in the room with just the beeping of the machines. They started getting further and further apart. They finally stopped and just like that my mommakins was gone.

I walked out of the room and I had to sign more forms.

I walked in the waiting room to tell everyone that she was gone and then I had to leave that hospital.

I could not be in that building for one more second. I felt like screaming and crying and throwing the worst tantrum of my life.

I know that I am loved. I have a great husband, the best family, awesome friends and I still have my dad but there is nothing like the love of a mother.

I am Catholic and I know with every fiber of my being that my mom is in a better place and I know with equal certainity that she is with Baby Jesus.

I also know that I would give anything to hear her voice again.

To get another text

To eat chips and dip while playing cards with her, my nana and The Cousin

To just give her a look and know that she "got it"

To argue with her

To read TV with her

To tell her that The Man was her favorite and watch her smile and giggle while shaking her head

To hear her call The Hero her Angel and watch a grown military man smile like a little boy knowing that he is loved.

To tell her she was my pain in my ass and watch her smile and tell me that moms live to hear that from their grown children.

To know that one person on this planet thought I was the best thing that ever happened to them and that my birth made her life worth it.